If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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