____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
