I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
