And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
