I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
