If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
