Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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