Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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