Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
