I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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