i need an iv and a liver transplant
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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