I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
