what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Randomize
