I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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