Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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