This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
My legs feel like baby dolphins
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
