I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
