He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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