you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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