Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
