I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
