I just made out with a guy for $7.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
