just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
