Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
