my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize