saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
