The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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