i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
