Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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