In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
