the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
