Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
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