when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
