im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize