i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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