dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
