the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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