I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize
