I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
