i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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