3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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