What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
