Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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