Im at strip club and am horny
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize