youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
