I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize