I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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