Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
