I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Randomize
