hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Dicks are not precious.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
