My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
