saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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