i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
