i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
