I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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