you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
