my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
