I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
