and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
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