Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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