Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Mom said you looked used
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
